I am still couch surfing and can I just say watching daytime TV means I know way too much about fake celebrities and can I just say why must everything be about food? HELP! The girls are out with Joy and a friend enjoying the sunny day right now and our friends and family have been amazing; bringing meals by, buying us groceries, welcoming the girls, and checking in on us. But there is not much news and I wish I could answer your text, FB, or email with “much better today” but I am not there yet. And to be honest that still seems in the distance future. We are trying to just take things one day at a time.
I am 12 weeks tomorrow and so far we calculated that I have had 39 bags of fluids and round the clock zofran for weeks. My IV’s mean I do not get my crazy on because of dehydration even on the days I cannot keep anything down and for that I am so grateful. I am still unable to eat much and cannot drink hardly at all which is crazy frustrating when your lips are dry and cracked and all you want is to drink something ( I fantasize about it)! I struggle with longing to be well while trying to trust that God will be with me in every moment of this no matter how long it lasts. Scriptures have come alive to me in new ways as the desperation I feel overwhelms me. I need the promises of God more and more as I feel weaker. Jason has been amazing and I honestly do not think I could serve that way he has served my crying puking self.
The home healthcare folk just delivered steroid injections that I will start tomorrow in my central line. The home nurse will come to show us how to inject them. I was thankful to get out of the house for my doctor’s appointment yesterday to feel the sun and warm weather even if it meant puking in the car on the way there and home. I also sobbed again at the doctor’s office when she was describing the options left; a feeding tube, continued PICC lines, or steroids. I don’t even like to take advil when I have a headache and I HATE being on all these horrible medications but yet I am grateful because without them I know I would be throwing up so much more. HG is difficult in many ways but for sure one of the biggest for me is trying to find some balance between preserving my sanity and health and doing what is best for the baby. We had another ultrasound yesterday and I could barely look at the screen. It is still so hard for me to feel any connection to this baby and that only furthers my emotional wreck of a self. Knowing that there is a baby growing inside me when I feel like I’m dying messes with you. We decided because I have not seen much change over the last few weeks and I have lost over 5% of my body weight we will try the next step which is steroids But I feel so uneasy about this all. I worry it will not help and there is not much else we can try. We decided that even a day of feeling better would be worth it at this point. I started to cry when the doctor described the side effects of steroids including inability to sleep, weight gain, water retention, and my favourite: feelings of “rage.” WHA?? But not eating for weeks and weeks makes you lose it too. So tomorrow I start the injections and pray that there is some relief and that God protects the baby and me from side effects.
I want to be out and about. I want to enjoy this sunshine I can see from the couch. I want to be in your lives.
I want to be a mother to my girls. I want to make them lunch, walk to the park with them, and nag them to clean their room. I want Jason to be my husband and lover again not just my care taker. I want to look forward to meeting this baby. I want to fell better and be healthier. Even a little so we try this next step even though it is a decision made with a lot of tears and prayers.
My sis-in-law sent me a quote from a talk on suffering and it resonates with me today, “I embrace anything God has for me. I reject anyway the enemy tries to use it.” One day this will all be a memory and although I long for that day I am praying for the faith to trust to embrace today.
So there is that.