Last night was a tough night. I vomited so much and so hard that I now have sores in my mouth.  After puking several times in  row I could not stop shaking and sobbing.  Jason took my puke bucket to clean it out and in the 30 seconds he was rinsing it I threw up again all over and into my trembling hands.  Jason just rubbed my back as waves of nausea wrecked my body and mind and he prayed for me. I tried to go to bed early but could not sleep and just curled in the fetal position and prayed that I could fall asleep and not wake up.  I remember praying this last time too.  The desperation is intense and consuming and I just want it to end. It was a dark night.
[youtube https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iGTI1I_A3Dk]
This morning I awoke to a facebook post from a friend who sent me this link that she said has helped her during times of suffering.  I lay on the couch willing myself not to throw up the tiny muffin I ate and watching Jason put more medications with horrid side effects into my veins.  I listened with skepticism at first until it was clear he was talking directly to me.  Then I sobbed.   Even Jesus asked for the suffering to be taken away from him but God did not change the circumstances for Jesus on that hillside. “But the cross is proof that He always has a purpose IN the circumstances and that His plan and His purpose will prevail and will triumph through any circumstance in this world.”

It is perfect that it is Good Friday.  A day that ended in a bloody horrid mess of suffering and seeming defeat for all who witnessed it. A day that is only Good News because of what follows.  And what follows was not seen by most that Friday when Jesus’ broken, tortured body was taken down and wrapped in burial clothes and laid in a tomb. I can’t see what the purpose is right now for all of this and it is clearly nothing compared to what Jesus endured but I believe that God has not lost sight of me.  I know that He is with me, that He knows I cannot take one more day unless He carries me.

Do you not know?
    Have you not heard?<sup class="crossreference" style="font-size: 0.65em; font-weight: bold; vertical-align: top;" value="(A)”>
The Lord is the everlasting<sup class="crossreference" style="font-size: 0.65em; font-weight: bold; vertical-align: top;" value="(B)”> God,
    the Creator<sup class="crossreference" style="font-size: 0.65em; font-weight: bold; vertical-align: top;" value="(C)”> of the ends of the earth.<sup class="crossreference" style="font-size: 0.65em; font-weight: bold; vertical-align: top;" value="(D)”>
He will not grow tired or weary,<sup class="crossreference" style="font-size: 0.65em; font-weight: bold; vertical-align: top;" value="(E)”>
    and his understanding no one can fathom.<sup class="crossreference" style="font-size: 0.65em; font-weight: bold; vertical-align: top;" value="(F)”>
29 He gives strength<sup class="crossreference" style="font-size: 0.65em; vertical-align: top;" value="(G)”> to the weary<sup class="crossreference" style="font-size: 0.65em; vertical-align: top;" value="(H)”>
    and increases the power of the weak.

30 Even youths grow tired and weary,
    and young men<sup class="crossreference" style="font-size: 0.65em; font-weight: bold; vertical-align: top;" value="(I)”> stumble and fall;<sup class="crossreference" style="font-size: 0.65em; font-weight: bold; vertical-align: top;" value="(J)”>
31 but those who hope<sup class="crossreference" style="font-size: 0.65em; font-weight: bold; vertical-align: top;" value="(K)”> in the Lord
    will renew their strength.<sup class="crossreference" style="font-size: 0.65em; font-weight: bold; vertical-align: top;" value="(L)”>
They will soar on wings like eagles;<sup class="crossreference" style="font-size: 0.65em; font-weight: bold; vertical-align: top;" value="(M)”>
    they will run and not grow weary,
    they will walk and not be faint.

Isaiah 40:28-31

The “star breather became the sin bearer” on this day that changed history and my life. I am standing in the middle of this sickness and I do not know what He is doing but I will trust that He has a purpose in it all even when I cannot see Easter morning yet.
RoxanneSignature

  1. Anonymous says:

    What a powerful message in that video, and how beautiful that it was shared with you just now! I had been praying for you yesterday and thinking about your suffering on Good Friday, the day we remember ultimate suffering. It gave me hope for you, too, knowing that Easter followed for Jesus, and that beauty and wholeness and healing eventually will come for you as well. I love you and admire your strength and the beautiful woman that you are. Hang in there! Our God is strong and mighty, and his promises are true!

  2. Anonymous says:

    You are so brave….an inspiration to me. I love you more everyday.

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