I am home after 5 days in the hospital. Yeah! I was released after having a central line inserted into my upper right arm that we will be able to use for weeks to deliver my daily fluids and IV medications at home. Having the line put in was scary but now that I have more mobility and am not permanently attached to a pump I am grateful for it. Home health care came yesterday and this morning and the nurses are so kind which is such a blessing. Jason is now my nurse and he has already flushed my line numerous times, administered IV fluids, injected my antiemetics, and given multiple does of heparin. He said God is teaching about being a servant and as I watch him sacrifice for me everyday I appreciate more the words “in sickness and in health” we spoke 11 years ago.
I was feeling a bit better after being released from the hospital hopped up on 18 bags of fluids and too many drugs to count but to be honest I am still living in my own HG hell day to day. Every time I read anything about this condition one word is used: debilitating. And it is so true. I am not myself and as the weeks stretch on I forget more and more of who she is. Because I have been through this before I know this will not always be true and for that I am grateful but living in the right now is really hard. I miss my girls. I miss my relationship with my husband (one not defined as caretaker and patient). I miss my life. And I miss eating and drinking and exercising and leaving my house. I even miss cooking and cleaning and taking care of the house (yes, you have permission to remind me of this at a later date). I am so grateful for the support we have because you all are making a super crappy situation bearable and even a blessing if I can remember to see it. My sister in law sent me a few sites that really help me understand that I am not alone. If you are interested in understanding more please read this on HG 101 and this and this on the emotional toll of HG. Having people who are informed is helpful to me as I battle this.
I have struggled a lot with why I have to go through this again but as I sat in the hospital alone for hours and hours last week I had flashbacks to my last pregnancy in Africa and I wept. I have a sense God wants to heal a lot of the things I have stuffed and hidden over the last 3 years. He reminded me that whatever I must go through to become more like Christ is time well spent and regardless of my situation He demands praise and worship. And the death of a beloved mother and woman in our church family put a lot in perspective this week. God is in it all but sometimes we struggle to see because we believe the lies the enemy whispers. God spoke to me one night in the hospital and said “Do not be afraid for I am with you.” And even though many of you have reminded me of this I needed my Father to hold me and speak to me. I am grateful He does not leave or forsake us. Ever.