Today we had a talk on the phone with an adoption agency here in the states. It brought back so many feelings of the past 7 years. Of an adoption journey that has meant broken hearts and unmet expectations and reminded us of what everyone has told us. Adoption is rough. It means believing in the sovereignty of God in new ways. It is an emotional roller coaster. All true my friends, but not until you are “in it” do you feel that in your soul. There are so many unknowns and questions and doubts that I can feel like I am drowning. We are seeking wisdom and direction and I feel shaken and like we are starting over. But I know this is part of our journey and God sees it all. I need to remember His vantage point is not mine. I explained the word “omniscient” to Annikah and then still proceeded to cry about the unknowns in our lives right now. Easy to say, hard to believe in the everyday; both the massive and minute. Perspective is needed y’all.
I write all this without censoring much because I think just sharing can allow me to take a deep breath and gain perspective. And maybe in a small way invite God to heal things I do not even know need healing and show me how much more of my heart He wants. To reveal how much I think I have it together that He wants to unburden and release and usher in more of His peace. I need this perspective. The One that sees ahead of my short sightedness and fear. The One that gently reminds me this is for my good.
I have also been thinking a lot about this season of parenting and how He is refining me and teaching me. I am feeling totally inadequate and a compete mess when it comes to homeschooling. And I freaked out the nice ladies at the home school group when they asked me “don’t you love homeschooling?” and without thinking I blurted out “no, I actually hate it.” Yikes, there it is but I know this is what He is asking of me for right now. And I am known for my teensy flair for the dramatic. I am asking Him for contentment and peace in the everyday and the every minute. And in other things parenting related I read this article and watched this video and said “Amen sister!” I have shared some similar feelings about parenting in Africa vs. the U.S. with many of you (of course much less eloquently) but I thought I would share…
[vimeo http://www.vimeo.com/44051347 w=400&h=300] What do you think? I am remembering that as I struggle to parent both the kids I have now and the kids God has for our family in the future (inshallah) being dependant and needy and desperate for Him is right where I should be. What makes you desperate today? What can you give to Him that you have been carrying by yourself? I know what I am giving today,