Today we had a talk on the phone with an adoption agency here in the states. It brought back so many feelings of the past 7 years. Of an adoption journey that has meant broken hearts and unmet expectations and reminded us of what everyone has told us. Adoption is rough. It means believing in the sovereignty of God in new ways. It is an emotional roller coaster. All true my friends, but not until you are “in it” do you feel that in your soul. There are so many unknowns and questions and doubts that I can feel like I am drowning. We are seeking wisdom and direction and I feel shaken and like we are starting over. But I know this is part of our journey and God sees it all. I need to remember His vantage point is not mine. I explained the word “omniscient” to Annikah and then still proceeded to cry about the unknowns in our lives right now. Easy to say, hard to believe in the everyday; both the massive and minute. Perspective is needed y’all.
I write all this without censoring much because I think just sharing can allow me to take a deep breath and gain perspective. And maybe in a small way invite God to heal things I do not even know need healing and show me how much more of my heart He wants. To reveal how much I think I have it together that He wants to unburden and release and usher in more of His peace. I need this perspective. The One that sees ahead of my short sightedness and fear. The One that gently reminds me this is for my good.
I have also been thinking a lot about this season of parenting and how He is refining me and teaching me. I am feeling totally inadequate and a compete mess when it comes to homeschooling. And I freaked out the nice ladies at the home school group when they asked me “don’t you love homeschooling?” and without thinking I blurted out “no, I actually hate it.” Yikes, there it is but I know this is what He is asking of me for right now. And I am known for my teensy flair for the dramatic. I am asking Him for contentment and peace in the everyday and the every minute. And in other things parenting related I read this article and watched this video and said “Amen sister!” I have shared some similar feelings about parenting in Africa vs. the U.S. with many of you (of course much less eloquently) but I thought I would share…
Hey dear! Just wanted to say hi an that I am thinking about you. Will be praying for you in this season. Excited to see what God has in store for you with your future children. Thanks for the reminder to lay my “stuff” at the cross.
Love you- Adopting surely rips your heart straight out of your chest sometimes….but feeling God's heartbeat in a new way is worth it. Praying with you. Love you and you know we have a world of unknowns ahead of us too…so glad we have a God who will connect all the dots in his perfect time and create a picture we never could have imagined. How I cherish you, dear friend, and you soft, honest heart for Jesus. HUGS!
2 Hey, lady, just wanted to give you major props, as always, for your honest self! I think there is a lot of pressure, on women particularly, to have the “right” feelings at particular times, and to “love” this or that activity or experience. I think it's so dangerous, and it really stops us from knowing ourselves, and from learning about our world, which you and I would agree, I think, we're really called to do! Anyway, good for you for keeping it real with the home school ladies–it's good for Anni and Evy to see you, as a woman do something that's hard–both the homeschooling, and the talking about it!xoxoxo love always. Thanks for the continuing inspiration.
Hey Rox,thanks for sharing this. I've been wondering what is up with the adoption journey these days, and I know it sound crazy, but I keep forgetting that I CAN CALL YOU now 🙂 So, I'm going to do that, but I'm also going to pray. Thanks for your honesty about home schooling. I'll pray for that too. Man, I don't even have kids but that sounds so hard to me. I love you and I'm eager to see what's next for you. Oh, and I wish I could give you a huge hug right about now.
I can honestly say that I don't love homeschooling and there are days I hate it too. Hang in there for this season.
ummm amen!!