I really want to be joyful, to be positive, to have peace, to will myself out of this. I really, really do. But I feel so terrible. Miserable. And I am desperately trying to gain perspective. To know that He has a plan, to know that this will pass and be but a faint memory, to believe our family can get through this. Everyday when I wake up I try so hard to be optimistic.
And it hit me: maybe that is my problem, I am trying instead of just being. Just acknowledging that even though this is something we wanted and prayed for, a blessing, God’s gift to us……it also sucks. Not the baby, the sickness that comes from having the aforementioned bean living in my body. I have not really been able to get to the excited part yet. I am trying to not let being sick steal my joy. But it is hard. Like really hard.
After I woke up today, tried to eat, and proceeded to threw up everything in the sink (with an audience) I was discouraged and it was becoming toxic. I felt the shortness in my tone with Annikah, a dread about having to “waste” another day, and general irritability. I tried to breathe, I tried to eat (who am I kidding?), I tried to pray, I tried to reflect on all that I should be grateful for (and am, underneath this incredibly frustrated surface) but it did not help. No, I just had to stare in the face my ugly disappointment. I feel sad, bitter, and generally really crappy. I am sure it is in part hormonal but it just is.
Before experiencing pregnancy I used to think most pregnant women were milking it, exaggerating, or just plain sissies (don’t worry payback is a …..). But I have repented of my evil ways and now acknowledge that it can be a wonderful, glowing, exciting time….or it can put the hold button on your life for a period. As much as I know “it is worth it” I just don’t feel the glow at all, I am too busy blowing the stomach acid out of my nose.
But despite my foul deposition I know that this is not happening to me without God’s knowledge. And that He is using it in my life. And that He uses everything for the good of those that love Him. I am holding on to that. I am realizing that even if I am sitting in a bed for months (please, no!) God still loves me, I am still the daughter of the King because I did not earn that title, I was adopted into it. And He does not love me less even though I am whining and slothful and generally feeling worse than wretched. It is just so hard for me to just be, I am a “do-er,” it is just who I am am, I need to feel useful, to be doing and therefore feel that defines me. But even though I am praying this sickness ends like yesterday it is teaching me that even if I cannot “do” all the things I want to or need to, I am still me and I am still loved. By my friends, by my family, by my husband, my daughter, ….by my savior.
And I have a lot to be thankful for…..
a local friend coming and just sitting with me and telling me she understands because she was so sick with her son, emails from home asking how you can help, a team mate making food for me and bringing it by, text messages from friends constantly checking in, girls in the children’s program I used to help with sending me sweet emails, team members calling to check in and listening even when the news is still the same, an incredibly encouraging phone call from a stranger from Germany that had a pregnancy this bad and survived to tell the story, packages sent from friends who would be here in person if they could, a local friend coming by and then volunteering to take Anni on a dala dala ride and to visit with her family and later returning with an overjoyed and sugared up Anni AND food for us (fish and mashed bananas..at least Jason and Anni enjoyed it), my mom repacking and running to any store I send her to with my latest idea of what I could eat, prayers from many faithful people, my husband becoming amazingly able to perform any household task with ease (and still loving me despite the enormous load he has taken on), Annikah giving me her blanket “for Mama feel better” when ever she hears me gag or cry, and His word, this verse that encourages me in this small (in comparison to many) trial…
” Wait for the LORD; Be strong and let your heart take courage; Yes, wait for the LORD.” Psalm 27:14.