A full house has meant a tired Mama and the non-stop-ness (sure it is a word) of the last week has left little time for thinking and processing all that is happening but today there are some quiet moments again. So I grabbed an iced coffee and am hiding in the office for a few minutes. Instead of tossing all night I am sitting here listening to Pink and Third Day and allowing my emotional though vomit to spill from my finger tips.
Today the day is feeling long and thoughts and worries that won’t seem to rest flood my mind. My brain hurts from playing out every possible outcome over and over. There are big changes on the horizon, hovering, and refusing to be pushed back any longer. I have such a hard time with change. AGAIN. I know it may not seem like that to someone peeking in from the outside but it is so hard and makes me want to hid and curl in the fetal position. And I am again wondering why it has to be now and this. We are moving and leaving in some ways all that we know again. I have gone through stages of complete resistance, sobbing at any given moment, and acceptance-ish. All in the same day. I know; poor Jason. We all know the Lord has called to him to a special task of being married to me. But I am grateful we are in it together and through fasting and prayer we feel like God has given us a clear direction for now. It is just the steps required to follow that lead that are making my stomach feel queasy.
But I am also reminded that my stomach also feels queasy at the top of a roller coaster or as Evy says “Mama, push me sooo high my tummy feels funny!” and look at that pure joy.
And I know in my life following Him gives me pure joy. It is why I want to tell everyone about His faithfulness, about His love, about His healing. So much of life is taking risks and realizing that God shows up and IS faithful. Not some of the time but ALL OF IT. How easily I forget and focus on me and the unknowns. How often I quench what He is doing because of fear or apathy. His word says over and over, “do not fear” and “be courageous and take heart” and I think it is because we need to hear it. At least I do. I know I need to hear His voice reminding me of His guidance and power and love because I often live like I have amnesia of what He has done. Looking back at difficult times I can see the amazing refreshment God brought but IN those moments I was focused on the hardship, the change, the pain of being stretched and forced to grow. But He says “do not become weary and discouraged in your soul” when I only see change and difficulties and newness. New life requires the death of the old. This journey keeps me constantly aware of my need for Him. I opened Jesus Today this morning and read, “When you are in a tough situation, your mind tends to go into overdrive. You mentally rehearse possible solutions at breakneck speed. Your brain becomes a flurry of activity! You scrutinize your own abilities and those of people you might call on for help. If you find no immediate answer to your problem you feel anxious. When you find this happening return to me and rest in My quietness. Take time to seek my face and My will rather than rushing ahead without clear direction. I want you to have confidence in Me and My ways-patiently trusting in Me even when you can’t see the way forward. Whereas anxious striving drains you of energy, quiet confidence will give you strength. Keep communicating with Me about your situation, and be willing to wait. In quietness and confidence shall be your strength. Those who wait for the Lord will gain new strength.”
Um, Yes. I am pretty sure I am not the only weary one who needs to be reminded of this today. Let’s grab on to Him and be pushed so high our tummy feels funny because that is also where the horizon looks different, and the wind blows our hair back, and the sunshine warms our faces.