This last week pretty much kicked my ass. Just saying and keeping it real even if that means you just reread that sentence to make sure I really said that. I did. Because as I sat down to write this no other words flowed. J had his kidney stone “procedure;” which makes it sound more like a fancy Brazilian pedicure than what really went down. I will skip the details because while I chronically over share I am not sure my poor hubby wants his bid-ness all up over my blog (well, any more than it already is). To keep it lively I also landed myself in the ER last week after some crazy girly issues that involved me asking questions like “blood loss: is there an app for that?” I wish I was kidding. I had to cancel time with family and a weekend with dear friends and sisters that involved a cancelled flight and I felt terrible. Each day I felt like I was digging myself out of a hole that I created the day before and it just kept coming. It was unrelenting. And I responded by being angry, bitter, whiny, and generally super fun to be around. I know, I know “this time of transition is tough” and “it is a lot at one time” and “it is normal to feel stress” but while that may be true the reality is my ever wandering heart had taken a serious turn. Yes, there are reasons I am feeling out of control but my actions are always an indicator of the condition of my soul and things had crossed over the pathetic line into the full on chaos in my spirit quickly plummeting squiggly line. Things with J and I are tough and every conversation ended in hollering of some sort. It was not pretty y’all.
I needed a reminder and God knew that. He prompted friends to get babysitters, spend 6 hours in the car to drive up to Chicago, bring us dinner and way more fruit than any one family could consume, and spend a couple hours worshiping and praying and loving us. It was BEING the church. It was a reminder yet again that the kingdom of God Jesus spoke of is to be experienced not just talked about. My brothers and sisters held me up when I did not feel like standing and I will (inshallah) do the same for them when needed. They did not judge but they spoke truth and it cut to the core. They laid hands, prayed healing, spoke what they felt the Spirit tell them. It was freaky and awesome and real. And I cried. After they left I almost completely stopped bleeding (something that had not happened in 11 days) and Jason and I had healing talks. There are a lot of those in our future too. I have expected him to “make me happy” but that was impossible. I need God to minister to me because every created thing will disappoint. Always. I easily forget. I am fickle and fallen, believing one minute and doubting the next. I prayed and the Spirit of God spoke to me. I needed the cut to my marrow words spoken by my Creator directly to my soul and let me again testify that when you seek He is found. I realized I had taken my eyes off Jesus and locked my gaze on my problems. Then I started feeling all pathetic and tragic and sorry for myself. Sin creeps in and it usually looks pretty attractive. The snake did not come to Eve and ask her to jump in muck waist deep and ruin her life. That would have been an easy “no.” He suggested she take a bite of a piece of fruit that was “pleasing to the eye and beautiful.” He made it look great, inviting, the thing to do, justifiable even. She doubted what God had said. She thought she knew better and maybe God was giving her the shaft. Ditto for me. If I am honest I was sorta perturbed God was not fixing my problems and it seemed they just keep coming. But God says “I have a purpose for what you see as pain, what you see as problems. I want to use them in your life to change you and bring about more of an understanding of my Grace and reveal more of my power to the hurting world.” And I can never forget I am part of that hurting, broken world and in need of Grace, in need of the Gospel active in my life every day. In this world we will have problems, tears, sorrows, difficulty. It is promised. The question is: how will I respond? I will have longings here that will never be quenched until I meet my Savior. I have seen glimpses, peered in to the foretaste of the future glory that is to come and I eagerly await. But He has more for me and you here. Today.
I was reminded to rest in His plans. I was reminded to seek first. I was reminded He is not finished with me or anyone else and I need grace. And I was reminded to not busy myself trying to earn something that is never for sale.