I am having a bit of a pity party and liking it. I decided today was more than worthy of a diet coke, the precious, the few, diet cokes. Now, as you may have read to drink my special birthday diet cokes I must really need one.

This has been a rough week, one where many nights I just wanted to go to bed hoping that tomorrow would be better. Add to the epic mystery sickness of Jason and me; sometimes not with the best attitude, doing most of the work around here my mom sending updates that my dad had a kidney stone and my grandma needs surgery because she keeps falling (being so far away and unable to help just makes me feel terrible). Then tack on to that Annikah freaking out for the past two days. Seriously, no sooner had I posted that she was “being great“did she decide to bust out her secret identity; Nasty Girl. You may know it, girl who can make her mother cry or pull out her hair with her rude attitude, asking for something then chucking it on the floor and then crying about it being “dirty”, whining for no apparent reason other than to irritate said Mama, and in general being difficult for the sport of it. She even bit me yesterday. Bit me!
Why is it that those you love the most have the ability to hurt you the most? Now of course, she may be getting a tooth, or sick, or “going through a phase(she is 2)” but none of that make me feel better. The bottom line is I feel like my primary role for the last 2 and a half years is to raise Annikah; to care for her needs, to teach her what is right and wrong, and to help her navigate her place in this world the best I can allowing her to find her own way. That is why I have such a hard time when I count down the minutes until she naps or look at her mid tantrum and think “who taught you this?” and “whose kid are you?” I feel guilty for not enjoying this motherhood gig all the time. The worst part is she does learn some of her impatience from me and I am sure many other of her not so lovable traits. I just feel like a failure of a Mama when things get ugly and as many times as I have encouraged others I just cannot kick my butt into NOT feeling this way. I also know things have been busy and tense around here because of Jason being sick and me not always being the cheerful care giver so I am sure she senses this chaos and is responding by adding to it. We feel like we have tried everything; there seems to be more time-outs around here then time-in lately. Alas, I know there is hope and there have been many days like this before and there will be many more. As always at times such as this I learn more about myself then about Annikah.
That is why I am having a diet coke, a cold, refreshing coping mechanism-in-a-tin-can diet coke.
Parenting for me sometimes borders on minutes of “this is the most brilliant, adorable child ever born” and “do you think she can get air if I lock her in this closet?” The best part of it is that after venting all of this and having to save the post to make dinner Annikah came over to me and said “Mama, me want mama pick Annikah up and me want a hug.” She also suggested “me want to take a picture and see that.” Jason took a picture and this is what I want to remember about today. This and my fabulous diet coke.

  1. Anonymous says:

    Yeah, motherhood… it’s tough. It’s your job to figure out Annikah’s personality not to create it. Not that you can. Each kid is unique. I love that you got a full sentence about her wanting a hug. I usually get “uppy me”. Means just the same tho, doesn’t it? šŸ™‚ Hang in rox, you’re doing a great job. With Anni being 2 you will be a mastermind of passive manipulation (and feel guilty for doing it – even tho it is reccomended by peds and child psychologists everywhere). But you will still have no control. Try to get a case of diet coke. You’ll need it. But you will do great. Love you

  2. Anonymous says:

    you know me well enough to know that i’m not kidding around when i say that reading your blog is one of the only times that i feel like i might actually WANT to be a mom someday. even when anni is acting like a …. 2 year old. especially when she is – because you are so honest and real about it. no sugar coated “being a mom is perfect and wonderful all the time!”. and it gives me hope that someday if i have kids and wonder if they can get enough air from the closet, that that won’t mean that i am a terrible person (or mom). BECAUSE… i know that you are an amazing mom and that you love anni so much. and that even when you’re pulling your hair out (or being bitten) you love her and will act in love. if i could send you a big box of diet coke, i so totally would.congrats on the progress with the school! (and try a snorkel in the closet, maybe – i’m sure it would be fine šŸ˜‰ )love love lovejkw

  3. Anonymous says:

    What an adorable picture of mother and daughter!! I’ll have to print that one out. I’m sure Anni was feeling the tension and stress of all that was going on with her Papa. Hang it there with all of those time-outs. The consistency of teaching your expectations will be worth it. I agree that you are an awesome mom!

  4. Anonymous says:

    I agree with Grandma Rho that Anni is probably feeling that stress at home with Jason being sick. You are a great Mom– I can tell because Anni is so stinkin SMART and SUPER happy!!Hang in there with the Jason thing, as well as with Anni (I also think a snorkel would work). I’ll be praying for the 3 of you.

  5. Anonymous says:

    I agree with all the others about what an awesome Mom you are,and what a great pic. It is probably my fault because I wished that some day you would have a kid like you, when I was seeing a child psychologist because I thought I might have to kill you.:)He said you were too smart, and I was treating you as an adult, not like a child. He said use timeouts, and the counting 1 2 3, thing. You turned out wonderfully, inspite of my errors in mothering. It is harder being the caregiver, too. Thank you so much for calling Grandma to pray with her. It meant alot, to her and me. She did well, but is looney from the pain meds now.