I am having a bit of a pity party and liking it. I decided today was more than worthy of a diet coke, the precious, the few, diet cokes. Now, as you may have read to drink my special birthday diet cokes I must really need one.
This has been a rough week, one where many nights I just wanted to go to bed hoping that tomorrow would be better. Add to the epic mystery sickness of Jason and me; sometimes not with the best attitude, doing most of the work around here my mom sending updates that my dad had a kidney stone and my grandma needs surgery because she keeps falling (being so far away and unable to help just makes me feel terrible). Then tack on to that Annikah freaking out for the past two days. Seriously, no sooner had I posted that she was “being great
“did she decide to bust out her secret identity; Nasty Girl
. You may know it, girl who can make her mother cry or pull out her hair with her rude attitude, asking for something then chucking it on the floor and then crying about it being “dirty”, whining for no apparent reason other than to irritate said Mama, and in general being difficult for the sport of it. She even bit me yesterday. Bit me!
Why is it that those you love the most have the ability to hurt you the most? Now of course, she may be getting a tooth, or sick, or “going through a phase(she is 2)” but none of that make me feel better. The bottom line is I feel like my primary role for the last 2 and a half years is to raise Annikah; to care for her needs, to teach her what is right and wrong, and to help her navigate her place in this world the best I can allowing her to find her own way. That is why I have such a hard time when I count down the minutes until she naps or look at her mid tantrum and think “who taught you this?” and “whose kid are you?” I feel guilty for not enjoying this motherhood gig all the time. The worst part is she does learn some of her impatience from me and I am sure many other of her not so lovable traits. I just feel like a failure of a Mama when things get ugly and as many times as I have encouraged others I just cannot kick my butt into NOT feeling this way. I also know things have been busy and tense around here because of Jason being sick and me not always being the cheerful care giver so I am sure she senses this chaos and is responding by adding to it. We feel like we have tried everything; there seems to be more time-outs around here then time-in lately. Alas, I know there is hope and there have been many days like this before and there will be many more. As always at times such as this I learn more about myself then about Annikah.
That is why I am having a diet coke, a cold, refreshing coping mechanism-in-a-tin-can diet coke.
Parenting for me sometimes borders on minutes of “this is the most brilliant, adorable child ever born” and “do you think she can get air if I lock her in this closet?” The best part of it is that after venting all of this and having to save the post to make dinner Annikah came over to me and said “Mama, me want mama pick Annikah up and me want a hug.” She also suggested “me want to take a picture and see that.” Jason took a picture and this is what I want to remember about today. This and my fabulous diet coke.