Do you ever have those moments where you have a meltdown and cry for no real reason but about a ton of issues all at the same time? I had a moment (ok 60 moments) like this last night.
I think it was all at once dealing with the depression I feel about the winter. As I reflected about it and talked through it last night with Jason I really do feel isolated in the winter. I thrive on being out, on sunshine, on meeting and seeing people, on laughter, on hustle and bustle, and noise. I feel trapped in the house and I think that sent off a rush of emotions. I also always struggle with this duality present in my life since having Anni. On the one hand I love being at home with her. I would never want to miss out on all the amazing things she does and all the time we get to spend together, growing, discovering, and learning but at the same time I desperately miss teaching and working with kids and people. I miss getting dressed for work, being a professional, striving to achieve in my roles, and getting accolades for doing so. It is hard to feel a sense of accomplishment being at home. I know she is learning and growing and being entrusted with her care is the most important thing I will ever do but last night that just felt like a soundbite from Oprah. Sometimes I wish I had something more measurable, more concrete, more definitive. Emotionally, I also struggle with having one foot in Africa and one foot here, so to speak. I know as we prepare to leave we need to withdraw from things here, we need to be preparing ourselves spiritually and emotionally and practically it takes a ton to get ready to move half way across the world. I love my life here and although I feel confident in God’s plans the thought of leaving my life here is tough. I think all of that just hit me at once. Poor Jason he never saw it coming but was awesome to reassure me that he appreciated what I do to keep our house a home. That makes it much better. I prayed this morning that God would give me new eyes to see the role He has for me at this moment and that I would find fulfillment not in what I do but who I am. I was encouraged by this passage:
“Let every detail in your lives—words, actions, whatever—be done in the name of the Master, Jesus, thanking God the Father every step of the way.” Col 3:17 (the Message)
I hurt and I heal. I cry and laugh. I feel stretched to grow and I am thankful.