unfit

I am confessing that I seriously worry about my ability to care for Annikah when; as the photo is evidence, I killed a cactus. I have heard that cactuses (or cacti?) are pretty hard to kill so I suppose I am actually a rare phenom in my ability to totally whack the thing. Here is where I could blame Annikah’s arrival on my utter neglect of the plant but that would be a lie. It was on its way out way before Anni crashed in here. It is only now that it makes me sort of sad. It is not like I just ignored it. Whenever I remembered (which was not often) I watered it but because it had been too long I probably over watered it feeling guilty that it had been left for so long. So in my attempts to keep it alive I actually killed it. It was counting on me and I failed. This may not be far off from parenting. I can see how you feel bad for your inadequacies and so you over compensate in other ways that actually may not be good for your child. You feel bad for not being able to do whatever you deem valuable whether it be time, energy, stuff, etc for your kids and so you “over water them” in other areas. I am sure the result on the child’s soul is similar to my cactus. We all see the results of this everyday in kids that are allowed to do whatever they want. Now that I am a mom I see why and I have more understanding and less judgement.

I did indeed fail my cactus. Thank God not all my failures have this consequence. I have already failed Annikah many times but she is still smiling at me and awaiting our new adventures. We are on a daily journey together and she is stuck with me. I just am thankful I can ask for forgiveness and that I have an amazing partner to raise Annikah with. Kids are resilient and for me anyway I hope more so then this cactus. Luckily, so far I have a better track record with our cat and Annikah than with my cactus (RIP).